Tugging My Hand

-
May 06, 2020

Who does a life belong to? Who has the right to make decisions about the future of that person’s life and their future experiences?
I know that my life belongs to me. Anyone who you asked would say that, and probably recommend you to a psychiatrist on top of that. But you aren’t the only centering point for the compass. Everyone in your life is one, too.
Even the smallest decision may anger someone whose opinions you rely on. There are decisions to make, every single day. The pressure is intense, crushing me. I don’t want to disappoint anyone, but I also want my life to belong to me. Without guidance, I fall apart, but I am also desperate for it. I don’t know what to do about this. What I want, what is expected. Those expectations keep me from falling apart, but I also want to know what would happen if I had control of my life.
Would I be better?
Would I be worse?

I don’t know the answer. I want to find out why my life is going to be this. I want to find out how I can feel that my life belongs to me, without shoving anyone away. Big, dramatic gestures were never my kind of experience. The small ones are what make me feel like the control is not really even in my hands. Perhaps it’s just that I feel helpless, feel like my life doesn’t really belong to me; I know that I have control. I can’t see it, though, because everything keeps on going at the same speed. That same speed, the pace that gives the feeling of staring out the window of a bullet train. My hand is being guided, because I don’t have control over my life now. That big, unseeable thing does. Call it fate, or call it circumstance; I don’t know if it even matters what it’s called.
I just don’t want to feel like I have no control over what will happen.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Production Break

-
  The girl reached up towards you, her hand shaking. She sees you walking away,  blurring at the edges  just out of sight and the  screams of her telling you to come back, not wanting  you to get hurt by people who don’t understand  language is a precious gift to keep memory sleep under the stars as children  holding close a lullaby. stay close in the dark, where things are not danger and she does not have  nightmares of you on the ground and bleeding the love away. History there, too much history, you in her shadow  so many times to keep her safe at school  blurring at the edges, just out of sight and memory long after they tease her for  trying to hide. Native voices keep memory and bring it back to a place that does not remember you because of the distortion. “You do not belong,” they say to her when they see she loves a girl  but she loves that girl because she doesn’t look like you  The way you are separated by a gu...
Read more

Recreation, and a Beginning

-
 Hi everyone, it’s been a while since I’ve made a post like this. Some of you may have noticed that I recently cleaned out my neurodivergent-focused Instagram, colorsofadhd. After receiving some advice, I decided to revamp both the account and this blog. What will happen to Pen and Book? This blog won’t be going anywhere. I’ve put a lot of work into Pen and Book since creating it in 2020, and have no intentions to erase any of that. Instead of just focusing on my own writing, I’ll aim to also cover the books I’m currently reading. The older work will remain up if you want to view the pandemic-era narratives, or any of my other work! When will the first review be released? Currently, there's no exact release date for the first review, which will be written on Late Bloomer  by Mazey Eddings. I'm soon leaving for an international trip for just over two weeks, and aim to enjoy every second of it. I aim to resume normal posting when I return. Four years of work, both visible and un...
Read more

Fourth Wing: A Review

-
Image
It's been a while since Fourth Wing took BookTok by storm, catapulting itself to the top of people's TBR lists with promises of dragons, and sass, and sassy dragons. The avid chatter caught my attention, but I held off on reading the book for precisely that reason. With opinions clamoring for your focus, skewing your independent perspective with their own, it was impossible to tell if the book deserved the praise that it was being handed. So, I waited... and waited... and waited some more. I readily admit that, upon buying the book from a wholesale club, I finished Fourth Wing in two or three days. With that being said, there were a few fairly large snags in the plot which disrupted my sense of disbelief. When a character is written specifically for a trope, they can be difficult.  Xaden knows that he is unlikeable- not just from Violet's perspective, but by the quadrant as a whole- and uses it to his advantage when his life becomes entwined with the daughter of his father...
Read more